


Love yourself

by Sabrina_Beckett



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Anxiety, Explicit Language, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27666724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabrina_Beckett/pseuds/Sabrina_Beckett
Summary: Dick is trying to manage all the crime in bludhaven by himself, trying to prove everyone he can do it, but he doesn't realize all the harm he is doing to himself... and to his loved one.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57
Collections: Dick Grayson Fic Exchange 2020





	Love yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Airdanteine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Airdanteine/gifts).



> I am so sorry for publish this at the very day of the deadline! I'm very nervous because this is the first time I participate in something like this. This is my second fic written in english, eng is not my native and I learned it by my own, so please be kind. 
> 
> dedicated to all the people who loves Dick and of course, to Airdanteine.

**READ BEFORE CONTINUE:**

  * This fic contains mentions of depression, anxiety and panic attacks, if that's a trigger for you don't read. 
  * Implied low self-steem
  * Contains sex related explicit language. 



* * *

  
Dick leaned on his bed and sighed exhausted. He felt a throbbing pain in every muscle of his body. 

  
The work on bludhaven this week was horrible, every time he arrested a criminal suddenly another one appeared, and the day after the same criminal was already on the streets. He knew justice sucked on the blud, but this was to much for one vigilante to handle it. He thought about asking help to Bruce, but that meant crawling back to him like an abandoned dog and he didn’t want that, it was too soon to destroy his dignity.

  
His phone rang and that stopped his self-pity thoughts.

“Hi” He answered, staring at the ceiling with lost eyes. 

“Where are you?” it was a penetrating voice, with a subtle tone of anger behind that. 

“Fuck” Dick let his phone fall into the floor of his bedroom and put a palm in his face. 

He forgot about his date with Jason. He had already postponed the date two times and today they went supposed to meet into a small cafeteria of bludhaven, even Dick had chosen the place, because Jason wanted to go to a bar and have a drink, but Dick wanted coffee and waffles, sweets things were one of his pleasures and he had convinced Jason to go and try with him one of those amazing waffles. 

With a rush of panic running trough his veins, he picked up his phone from the floor. 

“Little Bird, I’m so sorry!” he apologized. 

“Richard, this is the third time already. I’m done with apologies” Dick hear his name and a chill ran down his spine. If Jason called him by his first name that meant he was pissed. 

“Look, I know you are mad, but I’ve been very busy with work here in blud, without Bruce’s money is really difficult you know, the commissioner is corrupt, so the police department doesn’t help me either. I exposed a drug and human trafficking network and the guys just paid a huge amount of money and two weeks later they were already in the streets again. Please forgive me” the last word sounded almost like a cry. 

He was feeling like a piece of shit. Jason was everything to him but he couldn’t even be a good boyfriend. He was a bad vigilante and a bad boyfriend, he felt like nothing. He was nothing without Bruce. 

“Of course everything would be okay if you stayed by Bruce side, isn’t it?” there was again, those poisonous words that every time came trough Jason’s throat when he mentioned Bruce in his presence. 

“Please, don’t do this, you know there is nothing between Bruce and me, I already told you a hundred of times” this time his tone was hard like a stone. 

“So why every time you ghost me you mention him? Your words always imply that everything would be better with Bruce, if you miss him and his money so much, why you don’t come back to him like the puppy you always were?”  
Dick didn’t say anything for a long minute. Jason’s words hurt him and broke him even more. Now he really felt like a miserable and useless dog who craved love, but wasn’t able to love himself first. 

“I’m sorry Jason” he hanged off, without saying a word. 

* * *

One week had already passed and Jason and him still didn’t exchange a single text message. None of them wanted to talk first.   
Dick was busy again in blud, _trying_ to be a vigilante. He was suffering a bad streak, since every single one of the criminals he had on his radar escaped right trough his fingers.

“Oh god, I’m so stupid” he murmured while he looked for something edible on the kitchen, he didn’t have anything healthy just boxes of cereals. 

_I should had accepted his help_ he thought, chewing his cereals, feeling a void in his chest while he was remembering the conversation he had with Jason, at the time when he cut off Bruce and decided to manage bludhaven by himself.

“You know this will be too much for you, don’t you?” Jason asked, they were laying in bed together, after a long night of touch and moans. “Look, I know it’s feel great to tell Bruce to fuck off, but you are deciding this really fast” Jason caressed his hair and placed a soft kiss in his cheek. 

“I can manage by my own, no one believes in me, but I know I can. I’ll prove you and him wrong” He hugged his pillow and turned his back to him, frowning his eyebrows. 

“Hey, don’t be mad at me, I’m with you with this, all I’m saying you are moving too fast, but you could keep using his resources little by little until you had everything in control here and then you toss him away” He kissed Dick on the neck “I know what I’m saying because I did exactly the same and if it wasn’t for Roy…” 

“I’m just. I’m tired of depending of him, every time we argue he shove how much he has done for me in my face and is really annoying. Besides I can’t stand the way he treats Dami? I mean, I thought he would try to be a good father with him, because Damian is really his blood but he is doing the same mistakes he did with you, Tim and me, and I can’t support that shit, Damian is a really nice kid and he doesn’t deserve this, less with all the shit he had to endure when he was with his awful mother and Ra’s” he bit his lips with frustration. 

“I don’t know how you love that annoying brat so much” 

“Hey! He is a good boy, he is just… traumatized, like all of us” a sad expression was marked in his face. 

“I been thinking, you could use my help with blud for a while here, just until you are okay” Jason commented, tangling his fingers between Dick’s strains of hair. 

“Don’t you have things to take care of with Roy and the rest of your team?” Dick turned his face to him again, doubt in his eyes.

“Yes. I Have, but I’m pretty sure Roy and the others can do things by his own for a couple of months, it isn’t a big deal” he left out a yawn after he stopped talking.

Dick kept his mouth shut for several minutes, thinking of his possibilities. Jason’s help didn’t sound bad but… That wasn’t the thing he wanted. He wanted to be independent, strong, powerful. 

Not that people could tell, but Dick was a really proud person. He wanted to be the best. He wanted to prove all people he was capable of protect everyone without Bruce’s help, without everyone's help.

Jason was falling asleep when the solid penetrating words of Dick woken him up:

“I will be okay Little Bird. I can handle this, thank you for caring about me” then, he placed a soft kiss on Jason’s lips and they fell asleep together. 

Dick heard a knock on his door and the loop of memories that was spinning in his head vanished. 

“I’m coming” he replied, tired and annoyed.

He opened the door. He didn’t expect seeing the person who was standing there today. 

“Hey Roy, what are you doing here? Come in” he invited, a tired but real smile in his lips. “Sorry if is kind of messy, I don’t have enough time to keep the place decent”

Roy accepted the invitation and comfortably sat down in one of Dick’s armchairs. His seemed calmed but his face had an uneasy expression. 

“Want some beer?” Dick offered, it was one of the few things on his fridge. 

“Nah, I’m okay. You really look like shit uh” Roy stared at his face and saw those tired blue eyes accompanied by those grey eye bags and pale skin. “Where is the charming prince I knew? Are you even eating okay?”

“ugh, thanks” It was whisper, but the words reached Roy’s ears. 

“I’m sorry man, I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I’m worried about you” he shut his lips for a couple of seconds “and Jason” he finally said, scratching his hair. 

“Did something happened to him?, Is he okay? Is he injured? Where is he?” he talked fast, almost choking himself. 

“Wow, wow, easy there bird, he is okay, nothing bad happened to him, please calm yourself and take a breath” he stood up and took Dick’s hand and guided him to sit down. “Jason is okay. I mean physically. If he has a disease is one called heart broken. He has been locked in his room for two weeks, he only leaves to go to the bathroom and eat. I had to force him to tell me what the fuck had happened and then he said your name and I figured out you two were in… you know, bad terms” 

Dick put his hands on his face, and suddenly he was crying. A silent but painful cry was coming out.   
Roy sat down besides him and caressed his shoulder. He didn’t say a word, he wanted to gave Dick some time.   
After ten long minutes of crying, minutes that Roy spent caressing his hair softly, somehow Dick managed to open his mouth and talked.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so useless, I can’t do shit” a murmur almost unintelligible left his throat. 

“Dick. Calm down, and breath” Roy offered a glass of water and his friend took a long a sip. 

“I don’t know what to do. I love Jason but every time we match our times something happens to me, or I forget. Like last time, I’m such an asshole” he was more calm now, his eyes still swollen after all the crying. 

“Look, I we are all assholes sometimes okay?” Roy kept caressing his hair “you and Jay are both great persons, you two just need to get laid and everything will be better” The redhead giggled and patted Dick in the head. 

“You don’t understand Roy, I am the one who keeps fucking things. It is not Jason, is me” 

“You are being way to more depressive than normal, what do you think if I set a date with you and Jason? Just text me the days you are free and I’ll do something for both of you. It hurts me a lot seeing both of my friends in this state”  
Dick looked Roy in the eye for the first time since he had been crying and saw the troubled expression his friend wore. He quickly thought about Roy’s proposal. It was a good opportunity to finally make peace with his beloved. Why not take that chance?

“Okay. I accept your help, but only if Jason wants. Don’t force him. I don’t deserve it” Suddenly Roy hugged him and again patted his head softly. 

“You are worrying too much bird boy, let me handle this, everything is going to be okay” he said with a blissful face. 

* * *

A week passed and as Roy told him, Dick focused only in his job, he thought about Jason from time to time, but then he reminded himself to trust his friend and that way _everything would be okay._  
For his surprise, his week has been pretty good, all the jobs he had in bludhaven went okay and he was sleeping better. Every time before he went to sleep he thought about Jason and how much he missed him, but he trusted Roy. _Everything is going to be okay_ he comforted himself with those words every night before close his eyes. 

* * *

Two more weeks passed and he didn’t had news from Jason or Roy. He wanted to call Roy and ask him what was happening but he was scared. He didn’t wanted to hear Roy’s words telling him that Jason was rejecting him. He was about to have an anxiety attack when he heard his phone ring.   
It was the first time in his life he picked his phone so fast, but it wasn’t the call he was expecting. 

“Hi Grayson.” A serious and calmed voice was on the line. 

“Damian? hey how are you?” his voice was full of joy. For sure, It wasn’t Roy or Jason but hearing Damian’s voice, his little baby brother voice, always made him happy. 

“I am okay. I guess. How about you? I hope you are eating and sleeping properly or I would definitely tell Alfred” Damian talked in a very modulated tone but Dick knew Damian was smiling in the other side of the line. 

“Uhm, well. I’m trying, please don’t tell Alfred” he joked and laughed, he felt a soft feeling in his chest. 

“Only if you promise to help me with a work here on Gotham” 

“A work in Gotham? What’s wrong? Isn’t Bruce with you?” he asked, feeling mad already. 

“Well, normally I would do this with father but he is very busy doing more important things, and I thought I could manage this in my own but is been more difficult than I thought” he confessed “Only if you have time. I understand if your work in bludhaven disable your options to help me. Don’t feel pressed”

“Of course I have time for you” he said without a doubt “There isn’t work in bludhaven that is more important than spend time with my babybat” a big smile crossed his face. 

“Grayson. I appreciate your enthusiasm but we aren’t going to meet to watch a movie or do something irrelevant like that, is a really important job, you need to stay focus” Damian’s voice was soft but firm.

“I’m sorry, I’m just’- it’s been so long since we worked together, so I’m excited” 

“I know. I am too. I’ll text you the details, I’m counting on you” Damian hanged off his phone.  
Dick went to sleep happy after talking with his little brother. In the morning when he woke up he had two texts on his phone, one from Damian and one from Roy. 

* * *

Dick was in the shower, feeling the cold water in his face, spiraling. His brain was melting with every minute that passed while he was thinking what to do.   
In one hand he had Jason. Roy texted him last night to tell him Jay finally agreed to have a new date with him but he had two conditions: one, he chooses the place, the day and the hour, and two if Dick didn’t showed up this time he would definitely cut all romantic ties with him. _“Jay chose this day, tell me if you can meet him, if you can’t I tell him but between you and me, If you aren’t okay with this now, I can assure you he would be mad as fuck, so I think this is your only chance”_ those were the last words of Roy’s text.   
In the other hand was Damian, he texted the day and place where he should meet him, and of course it had to be the same day that Jason wanted to meet with him. He was cursed, this was the only explanation.

The day in question was the day after tomorrow, at least he had this whole day to think in how he was going to get himself out of his mess. 

He spread out in his bed, naked, with his whole body and hair damp, he didn’t care if his sheets got wet. This big dilemma was destroying the circuits of his brain and he felt he was going to suffer a panic attack. He felt asleep as soon as his body touched the bed. His body always made that when he was on trouble.

* * *

Dick woke up with the feeling of the cold night wind that entered trough his window and ran down his spine. He sat down on his bed and felt the whole room move. With slow steps he turned the light on and closed the windows, every fiber of his body hurt like hell. The light made his eyes close and his head felt like he was being hit by Harley Quinn’s bat. He picked the first clothes he found and then leaned on his wet bed again everything went black. 

* * *

He heard a noise. It sounded distant and blurred, he tried to open his eyes but the second the sunlight went trough his pupils he closed them again, it hurt. His whole body was in pain, he was shaking but he felt hot. He felt his stomach empty but he didn’t had strength to leave bed. The noise didn’t stopped, but every time it sounded more and more distant. When he stopped hearing the noise, all the room when black again. 

* * *

Dick heard a noise again. It sounded like a knock on his door? He wasn’t sure because he felt all his room move and he barely could keep his eyes open, apparently it was night. He lost track of the time, he didn’t knew what time it was. While he was trying to figuring out what was happening he heard the noise again. Now he heard more clear, someone was knocking his door, he tried to stood up but when his bare foot touched the floor his knees trembled and he fell on his bed again. 

Then, a rumble that left him more stunned than he already was. _What happened?_ He thought, feeling scared. 

“There you are I was worrying sick for you” a familiar voice. It was angry but full of care. “I knew this would happen eventually! Look at you, you look like shit” the person quickly approached to him and caressed softly his forehead “you are burning!” Dick eyes was seeing blurry but he always recognized that touch. 

“Jason?” a sorrow left trough his chapped lips. 

“No, Is santa. Of course is Jason who else would be?” he answered, his tone was more softer now. 

“Jason I’m sorry” Dick said the first thing that came into his mind “I’m sorry for treating you like shit, I’m sorry” thin tears slid down his cheeks. 

“Don’t worry about that please” Jason sat down in the bed “Please, drink this, you’ll feel better” he helped Dick to drink a bottle of a weird liquid, it tasted sweet and salty at the same time, Dick frowned his eyebrows and pouted. 

“This taste like shit” he murmured 

“What did you expect? You are dehydrated! And you haven’t eat either, you need electrolytes, stop complaining and drink, I'll help you”

Dick felt a warm feeling inside him and it wasn’t the fever. Seeing and hearing Jason, even when he felt like this it was healing for his heart, for his mind, for his whole body. Jason meant everything to him and he always was disappointed on himself for not being able to show him how much he loved him. 

Dick finished that awfull liquid that Jason gave him and suddenly he felt his eyelids grow heavy and he fell asleep, feeling a warm hand caressing his face. 

* * *

He wasn’t sure how much time it had passed but he woke up. It was dark still, his body was less heavier and his head didn’t hurt the way it hurt before. His eye sigh was still blurry but when he looked up to the side of his bed and saw Jason sleeping, knees on the floor, and face and arms in his bed, everything became clear like water. 

Jason’s sleeping expression was so tender and soft, Dick wanted to place kisses in every part of his face, he was beautiful. More beautiful than any other person he met in his whole life. 

With slow and tired movements, he kissed Jason’s forehead and tried to wake him up. 

“Jay” a whisper

“Jason” he tried again, his voice was more loud but still too low to wake him up. 

With effort, he brought his face closer to Jason’s and placed his lips on his, it was just a touch, nothing more, nothing less, but it was enough to wake him up. 

“Hey… you woke up!” Jason said feeling his knees hurt. He sat down in Dick’s bed, side to him.

“That’s my line” Dick giggled. 

“Are you feeling better?” Jason touched Dick’s cheeks and looked at him, eyes full of concern. 

“I am, my body feels sore and I feel a void in my stomach, but I think I’m better?” his eyes were fixed on Jason’s. He hadn’t see that look on him since months ago. “What day it is?” he finally asked. 

“Is the day we supossed to have our- I don’t know, fourth attempt of a date? You know, the one that Roy planned” he replied like it wasn’t a big deal, just something irrelevant, nothing important. 

“I’m so sorry little bird!” it was almost like a scream and then, another thought crossed his mind. “Fuck, I left Damian alone” he grabbed his head with both hands and closed his eyes tightly, as if that way all his problems were going to disappear. 

“Hey relax, is because of the kid I am here” Jason took Dick’s hands away from his head and then kept them intertwined with his own "He called me today really worried because you didn’t answered his calls and didn’t showed where you both supossed to meet. He asked me if- better I quote: do you have Grayson kidnapped?, and I told him that I haven’t see you in a month and that we supposed to meet today too” Dick felt the warm on Jason’s hands and he smiled “Then Damian and I figured out what happened, so I asked Roy to be Damian’s backup in whatever the job he was going to do with you and I came here to see you. That little brat almost threatened to kill me, he said: better be kind with Grayson or else I will cut you into a thousand of pieces” he made an annoying expression “That little brat, I swear someday-

“Is that the reason you are being kind with me?” Dick interrupted him, for the first time in the whole night with a firm voice.

"What? No! I’m being kind because I care about you!” he tightened the grip on Dick’s hands. “Listen. I’m sorry for what I said the other day on the phone. It wasn’t okay what I was saying to you, with all Bruce stuff and worst, making a jealousy scene. I felt like shit all these days because of that but I’m too stubborn to talk first, you know I’m dumb sometimes” 

“I love you” Dick took advantage of the grip he had on Jason’s hands and with all the strength he could gather, he pulled him towards his body and planted a kiss full of love and passion on his lips. Jason took control of the kiss, placing his hands on Dick’s neck and guiding him softly to the bed again. 

After a long minute of kissing, they parted out, Jason touched Dick’s cheeks softly. 

“I love you too” he replied smiling “but you need to rest. You have to drink more and I’m going to prepare proper food for you to eat” he kissed Dick’s forehead before he stood up. 

“I don’t have anything for cooking on the kitchen” Dick said, panicking. 

“I know” Jason showed him a bag full of vegetables, meat and other things to eat. Ingredients to prepare a healthy food. 

“wow you are really amazing, but I don’t need to eat, I need you, here, next to me” a seductive voice with a cocky smile. 

“Look. You drink, eat and sleep, you get completely recovered and then we can fuck, as much as I would like, if we fuck you aren’t going to be magically healed, isn’t like my cum has magic powers or something, besides you are going to get more sick if we do that in your current state” 

“Magic cum? We should try that theory” Dick suggested. 

“Stop” for the first time in the night, a laugh escaped Jason’s throat. “Please” 

“Okay… in that case.. Can I sleep again? I’m feeling suddenly tired again…” he asked, his eyelids feeling heavy again. 

“Sleep, I’ll wake you up when breakfast is ready, is almost eight am”

“Thank you” 

Dick let his eyes close and when he was falling asleep, he was thinking in accepting Jason proposal, he could use once in a while Jason’s help in blud. He wasn’t alone like he thought it was, he didn’t have to carry all the weight by his own. He was human, and a little help never was a bad thing. He wasn’t less of powerful for that, on the contrary, admitting that he couldn’t always handle things by his own it was more braver than anything. 

**Author's Note:**

> If this have good reception maybe I'll write an extra with only smut, but I'm not sure. thanks for reading and I hope this fic isn't too disappointing to the person I was assigned too ;; I wrote this with all my heart and love.


End file.
